“Ugly as fuck…”
That was the last message he saw before the entire chat disappeared and he had the chance to respond or at least fake a mutual backlash to pretend he wasn’t as hot as he thought he was. But then it dawned on him; he hadn’t even seen his face.
“Fuck! He has seen me but I haven’t seen him.”
He was slowly beginning to boil with fresh anger amidst everything; from the war the RPC of Dar had just announced against his kind, to his renewed insecurities about his weight gain, his recent pimple outbreak, and his family’s melodrama. He scrolled through all the best photos he had taken and stopped at the one he had sent a ghost in the horrible dating app. It was his best photo. He had edited it countless time after selecting it out of at least thirty photos he had asked Ujuano to take with his outdated iPhone 5; him standing in front of the dark green leaves in the balcony of Ujuano’s family’s villa in the outskirts of Coco Beach, with his hands on his waist, and a big smile which exposed his milky white teeth. His jeans were tight and he wore his favorite red T-shirt which he bought almost five years ago. His feet were bare in the grass.
This was the best of the best photos he had decided to share in that dating app. Ujuano himself had conceded to the photo even though he thought he could do better than the same boring photo pose of his with a fake smile and his hands on his waist. Ujuano also knew his friend could use a good moisturizer and wasn’t doing that beautiful glowing dark skin some justice. He also thought his choice in fashion sucked which wasn’t ironic since he was the geek and him the fashionista. None of them were exactly the femme types but Ujuano over the years knew exactly how to dress fashionably among other things; after all, he was the only son of two rich parents who were out in abroad for a business meeting in Malawi leaving him alone in their villa.
Yet as he scrolled through all his photos; hurt and pain followed him through after realizing this wasn’t the first time he had been blocked and from the looks of things; it wasn’t going to be the last. He was doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result. From every deletion of that app to a new one with modified pictures yet he was earning the same result.
Just three days ago when he was feeling cheerful again after being fed up with fantasizing about unrealistic porn and masturbating to them, he had decided to download the app once more.
Two days earlier, Ujuano first texted him: “Take down your profile now. It’s serious!”
Before he could get the chance to reply, Ujuano called him. He explained about the RPC and the supposed witch hunt against his kind in Dar.
His first instinct was to laugh and brush it off as a pathetic witch hunt with no credibility like all the previous ones.
“Be fucking serious for once!”, Ujuano shouted, “Vincent and Kenzo were arrested last night.”
Ujuano remained silent for a moment, breathing hard, before continuing, “Names are being prepared as well as screenshots from those profiles so for fuck’s sake take your profile down now.”
He considered putting the President’s picture in the profile and write “Hey everyone, I’m a closeted gay and total bottom. Don’t mind my current witch hunt, this is just me working out all my shit on you so I can feel better.”
But he didn’t. Instead he removed his profile picture which got no waiver at all from all those vultures to begin with.
Almost immediately, he received a message which said “Hello” followed by countless emojis of love.
He thought it was Ujuano trying to compel him out of the app. He clicked on the profile and saw a bare-chested man with no face. His profile showed that he was 29, uncut and a top.
Tops weren’t exactly his cup of tea even though he did enjoy receiving every now and then. But he found most strictly identified tops to be extremely insecure and to hold that preference as a badge of honor as if anything except is beneath them. He found it distressing and an exhausting gender-based hierarchy and this also applied to the “strictly bottom” guys.
It was a reason why he was beginning to fall for Ujuano for quite some time now though he wanted to protect their friendship above all else. Ujuano cared more for people than sex and in bed, he was as versatile and flexible as can be and was less interested in a guy’s butt or penis for that matter than who he was.
“Why can’t we just mutually enjoy each other as women do?” he always wondered.
Still, he engaged in a chat with the stranger and chatted for almost an hour until the time to exchange photos came. He was totally disarmed and sent his photo and got the response that nearly made him break his phone.
“Fuck let me teach him a lesson then!” He thought to himself wickedly.
Now that he had memorized his profile pic and all his info he decided to play a game and to lure him out; that coward beast. He deleted his account once again ignoring a new warning that he would not be allowed to register again.
“Who did they think they were talking to?” He thought, knowing his history with hacking. He signed up again using his secret tools and displayed a fake picture of an interracial model in the Bahamas in his early twenties and unpopular enough not to raise suspicions. Scrolling down he found his prey and hit “Hi” with an emoji. he was going to wait for him to start first but he was so eager he couldn’t wait to unmask this beast.
In a matter of minutes, the plan fell into place. Knowing what he wanted from their previous conversations and his fixated beauty standards, he posed as a bottom and sent him more photos of this unpopular model from the Bahamas. The guy kept falling into line until he asked for photos which he willingly sent.
“WTF????” he was startled when he saw the photos and now all the anger he had felt just moments ago disappeared.
He had known this guy before in another lifetime when they were both young curious lovers discovering themselves and lost in the passions of the wild late teens years. They had experimented mutually; versatility was their language which made him wonder who was this total top poser on Grindr in the first place. It was him who decided to end things with Allen. Now it seemed Allen was getting even with him, and he had almost thought it could be the RPC agents.
Pathetic; he was going to block him. He was getting out of Grindr for good; not because of the RPC’s pathetic campaign but for his own good and sanity. He deleted the account for the 27th time that year and proceeded to call Ujuano; his one best friend and the only guy he longed for the most unlike all the masked creatures from Grindr.
Ujuano’s phone rang but he didn’t pick up. He wondered if he was in trouble? He began to wonder if his name was printed too, or his profile screenshot and by who? He didn’t even get the chance to think that his name and screenshot could have been sent to the RPC too and his Interahamwe wannabe task force for cleansing his city from the undesirables and scum of the earth.
He quickly texted Ujuano that he was on his way to see him, grabbed his earplugs and plugged them on his iPhone, grabbed his brown leather coat and headed to Coco Beach on foot in a hurry.
As he ran, he realized just how much he had been hiding his true feelings for Ujuano all this time and why he wasn’t bolder enough to make the first move before it was too late. But the golden question was; did Ujuano feel the same way? But enough was enough; he was going to take a chance at it, rather than blind profiles on Grindr; he was done with that life. He ran as fast as he could, propelled by Napesi song by Makoma.
Then the clouds opened and the thunder roared and the sky rained down on him so hard that before he realized his iPhone was soaking wet, he had reached the Villa at Ujuano’s family home.
As he stepped into the compound, he saw two figures embracing in the dark and while at first he wanted to believe otherwise; his eyes weren’t deceiving him. It was Ujuano and Mark.
Mark was his first love who had cheated on him when they were in Kenya. It had taken him some time to move on. But here he was in his city, embracing the guy he was in love with. He wanted to scream and shout “I love you Ujuano”, but he was too fragile and the thunder too loud for him to be heard. He turned around, desperately hoping for the RPC to march in there and take them to prison; he was that angry.
About the Writer
Nlivataye Grace Salum is a 26 year old man residing in Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania.