When you realize that you are different from the rest, you try to think of how it came to be, you try to figure out why it is the way it is and not the way it should be. You think of what might have made the difference and you try hard to ignore or change the way things are. But no matter how hard you try, some things are better left the way they are. Especially when they are what make you who you are. What makes the difference is accepting that you were born this way.
High school is where most teens realize the changes occurring in their bodies. It is where the changes take place, in the body and mind. When I was in my first year of high school, a girl was suspended when she was found sleeping in another girl’s bed. We were told that it was a sin to do so, and it was to serve as a lesson that things like that were immoral. Some of the students were disgusted by it, some called her names, others thought that she should be burnt alive. Later, she got redeemed and even became the head girl of the school. I kept wondering why she had been suspended, I didn’t feel disgusted by her actions. To me, it was a normal thing, like a girl sharing a bed with another girl or boy.
When I was in my 3rd form, another classmate of mine was caught kissing a girl in the dark, and the other students who found them created a scene and started calling them names. Fortunately, they weren’t reported to the teachers and so, escaped suspension. Deep inside my heart, I admired their brevity and courage to express their feelings, and even though people found them disgusting, I felt warm inside my heart. My feelings were jolted and I wished it was me who was that courageous to express my feelings. I was happy
When school was almost closing, something happened to me. A girl told me that I was her ‘shoga’. That’s a word that our classmates called their best friends. Her name was Pamela. She introduced me in front of the class as her closest friend and, boy; I was so tingly where I sat during that time. I felt a sense of belonging because everyone in our class had one of their closest friends as shoga. I never had one and I kept wishing someone would approach me and brand me that name. I felt deeply for this girl and when she realized that she started withdrawing herself and being distant from me. Part of being a shoga was exchanging short notes of funny writings, sharing stories of movies, songs, and other interesting happenings, spending time together, and helping each other with homework and studying. We were lucky because she was among the top students and I was not bad myself, I was above average and I was a performing student so studying wasn’t a problem for us.
One day I decided to take things to the next level. When class was over and students were in their hostels, we were in our class studying, me in my usual seat and her with another student. Pam was a great girl; she would help other people study and I admired that. II waited for her to finish so we would go to the hostel together, but she seemed not to be in a hurry. I was sleepy, so I decided to write her a note. In the note, I confessed my feelings to her and told her I loved her very much. I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship and make her leave me for the next girl so I added that I loved her very much with the love of God. Then I passed her the note and went on my way. For the rest of the day, I kept beating myself up for writing that note. But what can a poor little girl like me do, girls dream…right? I didn’t expect her to love me back but as a shoga I expected her to write back.
The following morning, I woke up as usual and went to class. The first thing I did was check my locker; inside my books, in between my books, nothing! She didn’t write back. I convinced myself that she had been busy and would write back. Daytime came, still no note from Pam. I gave up waiting, a piece of my heart broken, when I saw her hanging out with other girls during the break while I sat in class sulking.
A part of me regretted confessing my feelings to her because I was hurting. Days passed, she never spoke to me, I never wrote her any more notes and we never spent time together again. And that’s how our shoga time ended, she moved to the next girl who was more fun than me. Later, I would learn that being a shoga was about sharing stories of your crush or boyfriend, not confessing your feelings. I got the wrong idea and lost the only girl I loved and admired in my high school, my first love! She avoided me like a plague afterward and ignored the fact that I told her I loved her. I moved on and completed my forth form.
In my forth form, I became friends with my desk mate. She was sick, she had a condition, but I didn’t mind so we became close. I didn’t love her like Pam. She shared her stories with me, not about boyfriends, but studying, songs and such. She would sing my favorite songs to me but my heart just wanted Pam who I couldn’t have. I nursed my heart and did my finals and completed high school.
I had Pam’s number and we communicated after our finals. Every time I met her, there was a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, and when she hugged me, I’d feel electric waves through me. But that was that, I wouldn’t have it any other way, I didn’t wish to be with her because she wasn’t like me, she was normal, I was different, and just like the moon and the sun, we couldn’t shine our lights the same time. She could shine it somewhere else and I’d wait for my time to shine it elsewhere.
Oh, I forgot, I am a girl whose first love was a girl who didn’t love me back but I loved her anyway, she became a Doctor, and I became a writer. We are worlds apart, but I still love her.
About the Writer
Dorine Achieng Were is a 25-year-old Kenyan.
I love writing and love my different self, perfectly flawed. I am a blogger (www.weriseforchange.blogspot.co.ke) and an advocate for abused children. I don’t call myself a feminist because I don’t like labels but I am a free minded person. I’m a conversationist and like wearing big shoes in general daily life.
Twitter: @deewere